​Smartphones have created a collective unease. Look at a street scene and observe how many people are heads-down on their phones. Some of them are walking while staring into their tiny screens. Too many are texting while driving. We check our phones in bed, at the dinner table, and in the middle of conversations with real, live people. What does all this smartphone use mean? Are we addicted to technology? Is it shaping our minds and making us into new and different people, tap by tap?

According to this BBC article, technology is "Eroding Human Memory". Now that we depend on our smartphones to hold our address books, we no longer need to physically punch out phone numbers to call someone. As a consequence, people can't recall their friends or partner's phone numbers unassisted. Some can't even remember their own number. Perhaps our memory itself is eroding? Are we less able to remember anything now that our phones are remembering almost everything? The jury is still out on this question.

If you're worried about what your smartphone is doing to your memory, or perhaps some other aspect of your mental health, the first thing I would recommend is to focus your attention on exactly how you use your smartphone. Where and how do you use it instead of your memory. Is it helping or hurting you to use it this way?

Going phone-free for a day, a weekend or an entire vacation can yield valuable insights on how mobile technology has altered your cognition. See where you get stuck without your phone. What do you do when you're waiting or when you're bored and there's no phone around. Are their cravings? How strong are they? Does it feel like an addiction when you're separated from the Internet?

If your inquiry into what smartphone use has done to your memory or your mind in general has brought up more questions than answers, consulting with an expert could be a smart decision. I specialize in helping people with online and Internet addiction as well as other problems brought on by our always-on technological world. 

Please feel free to reach out to me for a complimentary consultation about your specific concerns.

Gordon Shippey, MA, LPC
404-530-9057
gordon@gordonshippey.com

We all know it’s true, that nagging voice inside is noticing more and more: We’ve become addicted to our smart phones. First thing in the morning (even before coffee!), last thing before turning out our bedside light, waiting at traffic lights or for tables at restaurants, and even during lulls in conversation with our friends and family, we light up our phones and check Facebook, Instagram, texts, email, news and other apps. For some it goes so far as answering calls during sex, or texting while driving – a fatal hazard We hardly have time to enjoy a beautiful moment before we’re posing and taking pictures of it to post on our media pages. Our experiences are being hijacked by the cataloging of them, and all to supposedly help us feel more connected, maybe even more alive ... but is it working? 

Now that social media and the smart phones that put it constantly at our fingertips have been standard items for many years, the research is rolling in on how much better off we really are from these powerful inventions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it doesn’t look good. According to a study at the University of Derby, the average smart phone user spends 3.6 hours on their device a day, with 13% of research participants showing full addiction behaviors. And it’s coming with a toll of less connectedness and increased depression 

I’m all for smart phones and social media! I love that I get to know the little goings on in my friends’ and family’s lives, and even “watch” their children grow up despite the sometimes thousands of miles between us. I love that I can quickly search for the nearest taco stand from anywhere that I am. I love that I can follow up on email or pay bills while waiting at the doctor’s office.

But what is the price for these conveniences? And what can one do about balancing the scale between help and harm? Borrowing from the ever-wise world of mindfulness, you may find that disconnecting from your phone for even brief periods of time brings great riches to the present moment you are actually living.
 
Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, try:

• Doing a body scan and noticing where you need to stretch or which parts may need your special attention
  
• Checking in with roommates, romantic partners, or children and asking them about their pending day
  

Instead of reaching for your phone last thing at night, try:

• Engaging in progressive muscle relaxation where you tense and release the different muscles in your body
  
• Checking in with yourself or your partner to share the “best” and “worst” of the day

Instead of reaching for your phone at a traffic light or while waiting in line, try:

• Taking at least 3 deep, comfortable breaths.
  
• Really noticing the people and landscapes around you – the unique in the mundane, the little things you’ve passed a thousand times but never really seen.
  

Instead of reaching for your phone while on your lunch break or eating meals alone, try:

• Using your 5 sense to fully experience your food – what does it smell like, look like in full spectrum of color, feel like against your fingers and tongue, etc.?
  
• Giving gratitude for the sun, water, minerals, plants and people who helped make it possible to eat your meal

Instead of reaching for your phone while with people, try:

• Listening with deep intent to what others are saying, or if they’re not talking, asking them questions and giving them time and space to fully answer
  
• Sharing what’s on your mind – either your troubles or your joys – people won’t think you a complainer or a braggart – they do want to know who you really are!
  

If possible, push yourself to carve out moments of your day or week where you turn your phone off or at least leave it on vibrate in the other room. Delete apps that you notice are sucking up too much of your time. (I personally did this with much success in terms of improved productivity and time for, gasp, reading actual books!)

Remember, our phones may be really good at lighting up areas of our brain that our brain then interprets as a reward. They may be really good at distracting us from our boredom or anxiety. They may be really good at directions home. But they can’t replace the people in our lives. And they certainly can’t live our lives for us. A perfectly posed picture can’t replace the experience of taking in a gorgeous mountain sunset or your dog greeting you with his merrily wagging his tail. And a perfectly choreographed video can’t replace the actual experience of your first wedding dance, new husband or wife warm in your arms.

When we’re plugged into our phones, we miss out on so much. We miss out on our beautifully unscripted and uncatalogued lives. These spontaneous moments are the treasures we all look back on with love and joy. Nothing could be more important.  

Bio:
Amanda Bowers Carver is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, GA who offers guidance in the pursuit of improved vitality, connection with others, and creating a more meaningful life. Her specialties include helping couples and individuals with problems related to mood instability, relationship troubles, and struggles finding fulfillment in life, with a special passion for helping both gay and straight couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships. Connect with Amanda on Facebook, Twitter, and her blog Earth Meets Sky, with Pie  for more ideas about how to generate a wise and vital life. For information about working with Amanda as a therapist, please visit her website, Therapy With Amanda.   

Work-life balance is a common plea of overworked and overwhelmed employees. It's an expectation of the next generation of leaders who are not willing to sacrifice fulfilling personal lives for the sake of their careers. Many organizations recognize that addressing this critical need will attract and retain healthier, happier employees and increase productivity and profits. While they can offer help through flexible work hours, telecommute options and nearby childcare, it's up to employees to decide what balance means to them and take action to improve that balance.

Perfect balance will never exist and chasing after it only contributes to the frustration and dissatisfaction we sometimes feel. Instead, it’s the small, conscious choices we can make each day that lead to less stress and more success. Before you can begin to strive for more balance, decide why you want it. What would you do if you had more time, energy and other resources? Knowing the why will keep you motivated as you make changes and develop new habits. 

Then, identify and prioritize what you’re balancing, such as your career, family, home, relationships, finances, health, spirituality, personal development and fun. Are you nurturing each of these areas in a typical day, week or month? What needs more attention? What might you do differently to get better results?

Finally, consider how these seven smart Work-Life Balance Wisdom strategies can help you manage your mindset, energy and time to support your balance.


1)   Get on Purpose.
Why are you here and how does your work and life support that? What are you most passionate about? What brings you joy? When you know your life purpose, you’ll increase your confidence, feel more fulfilled, and make better decisions about where to spend your time and energy. 
Want to improve your work-life balance? Define your life purpose by considering what motivates you, your values and your natural gifts. Write your life purpose statement down, post it somewhere you’ll see every day and refer to it often for guidance.

2)   Create the Space.
Clutter distracts and confuses us. It drains our energy and keeps us from doing what matters most. While most of us think of physical clutter, like a messy office and overstuffed closet, there's also technical clutter, like your over-reliance on your cell phone and too much time on the Internet, and emotional clutter, like regrets and toxic people in your life.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Make a list of all your ongoing commitments, from your professional and personal memberships to committees on which you serve that are not directly related to your job responsibilities. Rank them on a scale of 1 to 5 in terms of importance and consider resigning from anything less than a 4. By cleaning out the clutter of unnecessary obligations—as well as other forms of clutter—you'll think clearer, have more energy, and be open to helpful opportunities, people and ideas.

3)   Manage Your Energy.
Even more important than time management is how you manage your energy. Making empowering changes and maintaining healthy habits take vitality and commitment. When you’re not strong, you will tend to slip back into your old routine. That’s why it’s so important to make conscious choices every day.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Start with the basics, including eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, being physically active and getting enough sleep. Then, go deeper by choosing to associate with people who live healthy, balanced lives, enjoying a hobby, and finding time to relax and recharge when you need it.

4)   Talk to Yourself.
Studies show we speak to ourselves at least 10,000 times a day and 80 percent tends to be negative. That’s because we’re human and are programmed to protect ourselves by anticipating worse-case scenarios. Affirmations or positive self-talk counter those negative messages with empowering ones.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Overwhelmed by your work and home responsibilities? Start the day by saying: “I have more than enough time and energy to get the important things done today.” Notice I didn’t say “everything on my to-do list”? A simple affirmation like that will make you more calm and confident and prompt you to delegate and cross off some of the unnecessary things. By the end of the day, the important ones will get done.

5)   Be Authentic. When your thoughts and actions conflict with the truth, you waste precious time and energy and tarnish your reputation. By increasing your level of integrity in thought, word and deed, you will transform all your relationships, including the one with yourself.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Have you ever set a goal because you thought you should—perhaps to please someone else—and never accomplished it? Make sure your goals are what you want and not want you think you should do.  

6)   Stay Present. Because our brains are sequential processors, we lose time and make more mistakes when we multitask. Staying present is about enjoying what is right now, instead of lamenting the past or worrying about the future. By being more mindful, you can reduce stress, capitalize on opportunities that might have eluded you, and increase your satisfaction with work and life.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Most of us hop from one accomplishment to the next, never savoring our successes or “catching the gifts.” Think about how you can catch the gifts of a job well done, a genuine compliment from a colleague or at the start of a well-earned vacation. And, catch the gifts of lessons learned from your mistakes. That’s the best way to keep from repeating them.

7)   Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude. What you focus on expands and what you appreciate appreciates. That’s why it’s so important to cultivate that attitude of gratitude.
Want to improve your work-life balance? Write in a gratitude journal, which can be a plain notebook, a few nights a week. Make a brief list of what you are grateful for that day and include at least one unique entry to increase your awareness. This simple practice will increase your positivity and put your challenges in perspective.

Even one of these strategies can improve your work-life balance and, together, they complement each other. Start with the one that resonates the most with you and then add another until they all become habits that support your success.

Long-term romantic relationships were never easy, but Internet pornography is now becoming a problem for all too many couples. The key to defeating online smut is to understand and counter its allure.

The Dirty Little Problem

There has never been any lack of threats to relationships, and pornography has been around very nearly forever. Look at a fertility statue from prehistory and see if you don’t agree. Yet the Internet has transformed pornography from something rare and hard to access — perhaps a few aging magazines or videotapes stashed out of sight — to a Las Vegas-like non-stop sexual buffet that never closes and never hesitates to cater to even the smallest and most extreme interests. Given the accessibility, the anonymity, the variety and the intensity of modern pornography, it starts to make sense why more and more people would choose porn over their committed partner.

One thing I want to make abundantly clear is that even though I’m speaking to people feeling betrayed by their partner’s use of pornography, I don’t make the implication that it’s one partner’s fault that the other partner is looking at porn. I’m unable to think of a case where the secretive viewing of pornography is a healthy response to a disappointing relationship. Yet even thought it’s not your fault that your partner is on the computer instead of with you, I hope to explain why someone might choose porn over their partner and how to detect and meet those needs in a healthier way.

Know Your Enemy

For someone just discovering that porn has invaded their relationship, the question of what their partner is looking at, and more importantly, why they’re looking, may be the last thing they want to think about. Chances are, they just want their partner’s attention back. Understanding motivations not only opens avenues for change, but also understanding why they’re looking may take some of the sting out of the discovery.

I heard a story about a researcher who tried to do a study on the effects of online pornography on men but had to abandon his study when he could not secure a “control group”, that is, a population of males who had never viewed pornography through the Internet. It’s no accident that Internet pornography is so prevalent.

Back in real life, the demands of work, school, and family cut away at time couples spend with each other.
The biggest draw of online pornography is availability. It is available 24 hours a day from nearly any computer in the world. Meanwhile, back in real life, the demands of work, school, and family cut away at time couples spend with each other. Perhaps because strengthening a relationship doesn’t put food on the table, money in the bank, or bring the kids home from soccer, there’s the risk it will be pushed off indefinitely. If porn is the problem, raising your availability as a partner may be a big down-payment toward a solution.

Not only is pornography on the Internet always available, it is also very easy to find. One could even say that porn is massively undemanding. There’s no skill required beyond clicking on links and even more, there’s no chance of rejection. How about your relationship? Is date night a big production number? How often are you saying “no” to your partner’s bids, sexually or otherwise? Relationships do take work, and no one can say yes all the time. However, lowering the real or perceived difficulty of reconnecting and saying “yes” to your partner as much as possible could help him spend less time with the computer and more with you.

If you hold the belief that your sexual fantasies and interests are unique in the world, chances are that Internet pornography will quickly convince you otherwise. Because online porn caters to so many different kinds of sexuality, there is an unspoken acceptance of almost every kind of erotic expression. I have to wonder how many people turn to porn because they feel that their interests won’t be accepted in their primary relationship. The question to ask is not “do I accept my partner?” but “does my partner deeply know and believe that I accept him or her?” This point is particularly tricky for a couple of reasons. First, discovering your partner looking at porn tends to bring out the righteous indignation in us all. Unfortunately, no matter how deserved the outrage, if your partner was looking at porn because there was no fear of rejection, now he or she has even more reason to turn to it. Second, people often confuse “acceptance” with “agreement”. You don’t have to like what your partner likes, let alone agree to satisfy his interest in order to accept your partner has the interest. The need for satisfaction and the need for acceptance are two entirely different things, and meeting the acceptance need may be the more pressing of the two.

No Comparison

Given online pornography’s instant and endless availability, its boundless diversity, and the promise of anonymity and tacit acceptance, how can any flesh-and-blood human being compete? The truth is no real human being can contend on these grounds, but there’s no need to compete exclusively in these areas. No website can replicate the history two people create together when they date and become a couple. No image or video can listen or understand how someone feels. Most importantly of all, porn is an illusion, and you’re the real thing.

A mystery for parents: how can a child who can play video games for hours without so much as a bathroom break be unable to focus on homework for 15 minutes? The easy answer is that video games are “cool” and entertaining and homework is anything but. However research tells us something deeper.

It turns out that if you brain scan youth while playing video games, their frontal lobes, the part of the brain that control learning, emotions, memory and self-control, are not active, while the regions of the brain managing vision and movement light up. Run the same scans on kids doing simple math exercises, and now large regions of the frontal lobe activate.

In other words, when we see someone in front of an Xbox, we say they’re concentrating. And when we see someone studying, we say they’re concentrating. Yet we’re using the same word to describe very different internal processes. Worse still, since video game attention doesn’t activate the frontal lobe, I have a strong suspicion (and some personal experience to back this up) that Xbox-attention may even conflict with or erode study-attention.

Something to think about if you are a student or a parent.