Having Fun and Making Friends at the Same Time

One of the stickiest problems I hear from my clients is the difficulty making friends as an adult. A 2018 study reported that one in three men did not have even one close friend. It's easy to drill down into reasons why friendships are scarce: work is all-consuming, people move around a lot, and social media keeps us glued to our phones. I'm not saying any of these are false, but I'd like to move the focus away from the obstacles and towards one important solution.

In my experience, the best way to make new friends as an adult is through hobbies and group activities. But not all hobbies have the same friend-potential. Here are some factors to look for if you want to make more friends.

The activity is scheduled on a regular basis. This one is absolutely essential. One of the biggest difficulties in keeping friendships alive is the work of scheduling time to be together. But if the meeting is pre-planned, everybody can block out the time in the calendar. If the meeting recurs, calendars make it easy to keep the good times rolling. In my own life, I started a recurring zoom call with my friends during the pandemic. The pandemic ended but our calls went on. Not everyone makes every call, but enough of us do to make it worth the time, and keep the ritual alive.

The activity meets in person. Even though my last example was an online one, I would still encourage you to think in-person whenever possible. Yes, it's more trouble but I believe the in-person experience is worth it. Think coffee or drinks with friends. Think about a regular dinner night. Maybe a movie or a board game. It doesn't have to be a big production number, but face to face is best.

The activity encourages or requires teamwork and interaction. Human beings are tribal and our tribal allegiances can turn on a dime. If you get people in a group, put them in the same color t-shirts, and ask them to do a task, within minutes they're a tribe. Use that to your advantage. Martial arts classes are a great example of this principle at work. I actually retired from my dojo last year, but the friendships live on.

The activity is something you would want to do, even if it didn't get you friends. This is a big one. If you're having a good time, you're probably exuding good vibes and good vibes draw people in. If you're forcing it, then I believe people can tell that too and the worst part is that they may associate your grim demeanor with something they said or done, even if that's 100 percent not the case! Also, being a joiner exclusively to make friends can put you in the mindset that if you go, and don't make a friend, you fail. Instead, go where you know you'll get something out of the experience, whether or not you make any friends.
With these four factors in mind, I encourage you to get out there, do something you enjoy, and see if a friendship doesn't bloom when you least expect it. And if you would like more information on friendship, or to work one-on-one with me as your therapist, feel free to reach out to me at gordon [at] gordonshippey.com.