Three Ways to Respond to Negative Emotion

One of the most common goals clients express is the desire to be free from disturbing emotions. In my experience, coping strategies can be divided into three major categories, and which of the three leads to lasting relief.

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One of the most common goals clients express is the desire to be free from disturbing emotions. In my experience, coping strategies can be divided into three major categories, and which of the three leads to lasting relief.


For me, going to the dentist isn’t a problem. It is waiting to see the dentist that bothers me. After I’m in the chair, I’m OK. It’s the hours, days and even weeks in advance that are far more unpleasant.


Which is to say I’m dealing with a recurrent, negative, emotion: anxiety and worry about seeing the dentist. Now that I know what the problem is, what can I do about it?

Fixation

Negative emotions are bad enough even once, but having these thoughts frequently and intensely makes them a problem worthy of therapy. There are some kinds of problems that do benefit from relentless examination and review like a puzzle or a math problem. Negative emotions, unfortunately, are not “solved” as much as “managed.” And the more you try to “work on” your problematic emotions by focusing on them, the stronger they get.

Denial/Evasion

f focusing on negative emotions is a dead end, then what about doing the exact opposite? Is it possible to push negative feelings out of your mind? The answer is both “yes” and “no.” The more overt forms of denial are doomed to failure. As soon as I tell myself “don’t think about the dentist,” I’ve just thought about the dentist.

Detached Awareness

This third response to negative thoughts is detached awareness. This response has two parts, the first being awareness. If a troubling thought exists, admit to yourself that it exists. But the detached part speaks to how to do this admission. Rather than judging the thought or trying to figure out how to solve the problem it represents, strive to be still while observing the thought or feeling as if you were watching it on TV or reading about it in a newspaper. Often, as a result, these thoughts are much more bearable and often reduce or disappear all by themselves.


Detached awareness is the hallmark of many kinds of mindfulness meditation and mindfulness based therapies. While the practice can be described in very few words, mastering the skill usually requires sustained effort and can facilitated by a skilled teacher or therapist.